I've never felt so helpless before this day....

I don't think I've ever been this completely lost ever. Just in that single moment I lost every piece that was there and could not do a single thing about it. I never knew that it could all just happen like that, I thought it was all over after that, but I guess ill really never have enough. I'm not sure if I deserve this much, I was being so good and so nice! This lump in my throat just keeps on growing and growing, I'm not sure how much more I can take.

Its simply impossible to live with and I don't want to do anything about it! I cannot do anything about it! That's what hurts so bad. I should not have to do anything with this.

Maybe I am overreacting a little too much and should let things fall as them may, who am I to change everything?

I wish there was no time for my mind, I need distractions or something to fill up my time. I swear to god that there's nothing I am able to do. when I think about it too much my head spins and I lose all feeling in my legs. There is not much more I can lose after this. I wish people would not lie so much it just ends up being more painful.

Time goes by way to slow...

"And how can we win?
When fools can be Kings
Don't waste your time
Or time will waste you..."

"No one's gonna take me alive
The time has come to make things right
You and I must fight for our rights
You and I must fight to survive"


I had a good time at the Jingle Bell Rock concert. It was really nice and quite a bit of fun I might have to go to more concerts. I really like to mosh.

WE just got the Internet back on!

its super exciting and great because now I can do school work.... AT least maybe later some ladies might drop in and we can have a sexy time!

Either way H.I.'s third CD is out! Its called H-larious which is very liberating because this album by far took the longest. I cannot wait to start playing again though because I've been writing and playing. SO wait for H.I. album four! it will be superb.

I was listening to this song today and this line is hilarious!

"Fuck love give me fire"

So awesome and perfect.

I've seen the movie twilight twice in the past week. It was dece, but the effects were so terrible and some of the acting was very off. It was just nice to chill with the moth and nobody else.
I got to build a bear the other day. The funny thing was it was a hello-kitty doll for a lady I really do not prefer! I made my wish good though. I don't think the other believe me, but it was good.

I invited this lady that I did not know, but I wanted to get to know, over the other night for a sleepover. It was so freaking fun! She really knows how to speak and kinda hit those strings and I feel so bad for her in so many ways; people jump to too many conclusions. She is super cool though and very fun to hang out with. I feel bad judging her like I did and listening to all the slanderous things people say about her. Shes really not that bad, but I was right to assume one thing and it turned out to be true, I never judged her on it though, it really doesn't justify how I was or how I though. Its funny to think how similar we are in some things (in certain ways not like clones)

So apparently I cannot hang out with my friends girlfriend. I think she is really nice and all and I have fun with her. Unless he's planning on breaking up with her I don't see what the problem is! Especially since he claims to "love her". He shouldn't be the determining factor. He really treats her like shit, and I feel terrible because I just know something bad is gonna happen and I'm gonna be caught right in the middle. To be greedy for a second I am really happy that the Drama has shifted from me for a nice change, I hate to talk about myself

New Event

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Posted with LifeCast

New Event

So sitting here at 2 am made me realize something. It was my fault I got what I wanted and I was retarded and didn't know what to do with it. Wow i've been so cruel and sick just cause I don't know what to do with myself.... This sounds super messed up since ts mostly in my head and I never know how to explain anything right, but I guess as long as I know what I am talking about. Flip flip flip.... Maybe I am going crazy or seonthig due to lack of sleep? Either was I wish for one day of complete clear thought.

Posted with LifeCast

Posted with LifeCast

Erin Is Sexual

It apperently takes an hour and a half to drop someone off


Posted with LifeCast

HAHAHAHAHAHAH

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

AHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAH

You should KNOW how much I love you by now! my god you are the light of my LIFE!

Thank you Kevin for being alive!

Cause' I just don't know what to do with myself! I think this deserves a laugh of pure evil scmemishness!
I bet someones thinking that im being completely insensitive and cruel!
Maybe? Am I plotting something?
Maybe....Maybe maybe....
I'm not evil! I just am surrounded by it and love every minute of its existence!


This song made me laugh for various reasons, which I will not disclose, but are very humorous!

I just don't know what to do with myself
I don't know what to do with myself
planning everything for two
doing everything with you
and now that we're through
I just don't know what to do

I just don't know what to do with myself
I don't know what to do with myself
movies only make me sad
parties make me feel as bad
cause I'm not with you
I just don't know what to do

like a summer rose
needs the sun and rain
I need your sweet love
to beat love away

well I don't know what to do with myself
just don't know what to do with myself
planning everything for two
doing everything with you
and now that we're through
I just don't know what to do

like a summer rose
needs the sun and rain
I need your sweet love
to beat love away

I just don't know what to do with myself
just don't know what to do with myself
just don't know what to do with myself
I don't know what to do with myself

I'm AN OGRE!

bah bah bah humbug. I should be sleeping, but I cannot help but think so much! Dammit Janet! \
Who says stuff like that!? I mean that's just cruel and unkind!

Oh well.

Dang school!

Dang people!

DANG!

Thanksgiving is coming up. tomorrow is a test I haven't studied for. I think I know why my karma is killing me, for cheating on the last test! Well lets see what happens if I do it again! I feel like a horrible person for doing this. Also my history midterm is either Friday or Monday? I wish I could know and we would finish all the lessons leading up to it! A clockwork orange was an amazing film and I am impressing with Mr. Kubrick

"And my memory is so, so, so fucking unclear" "Where did you go..."

Imm aaa weeeiirrrdoooo! what the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here.
I don't care if It hurts. I want to have control. I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul.
I want you to noooottiiicee when I'm not around.
your so fucking special, I wish I was special! BUT I'M A CREEP

I like Radio head.

SHHHHEsSSEESssessss Runninnning out the dooooooorr!!!! Shes Runninnnning out she Run RUUUUN URUUUUUUUUUN RUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHNNNNNAAAAANNNNN!!!!! RUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHNNNNAAAAAAAANNNHHHHHHHH. Whatever makes you happy. whatever you want. Your so fucking special. I wish I was special. But I'm a creep.


Man I was totally just rocking that right there. and It was glorious! I'm not gonna lie I think Karma has gotten used to my awful being. Now I know I am going to hell! I wish I believed or could believe in that. lucky I don't. I just got a new kitten at my dads house and her name is Mina, she is very cute and nice to Cuddle with, but nothing on this earth could match Callie; I love her. Anyways I had a very uneventful week (outside my head) so it was really good and fine. Like normal? I don't know my moms not so much angry at me anymore, but I think I might have aroused her anger once more so I don't know what to do besides clean.

I have been molested literally in history by homework. So many assignments and now a midterm? I don't know what to do, but I do know it is causing me plenty of stress on top of everything.

Tomorrow I get to go to a football game with the lovely couple and it will be fun, but I lied so bad to everyone and I cannot help it, but I love to soo much. I should learn to control myself and probably learn how to deal with things. I have learned to accept their relationship! Though the grueling hours spent with them will reek havoc on my mind I know I can survive and just deal with it all since that is what I am best at!

So I am excited to finally use my new camera and take pics of the football team which will be great experience!

ba dum dum dum da dum!

"I must confess my hearts in broken pieces and my heads a mess"

my mind has gone to the dogs and is now being used as a chew toy. So much I would like to say, but holy cow! Rock and a hard place has never seemed so true!



P.S. I got a kitten (Zoubidas actually, but who cares) and her name is Mina and at this moment she is sitting on my lap

You know I guess I deserve it.

I don't mean to be sleazy... Me and you can't be easy

Hah the Fratellis are awesome and win everywhere! nobody is at my house and it feels so super and cool. I got my chance to sing aloud and bang on the drums (all day) Had too.....
So I think I am improving on the drums because it doesn't sound as clumsy anymore and I can move much faster! I also think I might have a bass played so all is well and good and I am very excited to play some music!

I hope you know the song Louie Louie by the Kinks, I totally forgot about it! Or even LOLA!
The words for Lola are flipping hilarious! I'm pretty sure Lola is a transvestite which is quite hilarious!
Just that end PART IS FABULOUS!

I have to go and usher and take the group shot for the play Dracula which I am very excited to see again! I cannot wait, but I do not know who is coming with me.

I got to talk to my one friend today, but it was very horrible I couldn't handle it. I just started rushing my speak and when he came up behind her and gave her a hug I almost punched him right in the teeth. I held it in though by talking even faster and offering a booster juice. I really don't think I can handle this! I really wish I could though...Maybe pacing will work....Dracula will take my mind off these things. WHY ARE they all Friends!? who decided that we can not be friends anymore and that they would be best friends??? this is even hurting my other friend who FOUND her in the first place and invited her places... gosh I feel really bad for her...this whole situation is just garbage. I was also used which sucks dick the most and my other friend told me the whole story yesterday and it was terribly depressing (None of this would have happened if people would just TELL me things....)

Its so cold in my house and I cannot sleep

I think I'm doomed to end up on here every night for the rest of this week. It will be very eventful and something for people not to miss! I feel like I am crazy for liking this a little bit, okay maybe a lot. Just tasting the sweet, sweet freedom will be the best day of my life, returning all of the junk that's left at my house! Such a silly girl, I enjoy myself so much! Just taking some time for myself it was the best day of my life. Well maybe not of my life, but pretty close. I feel so liberated! I cannot stop smiling!

I went out with my mother and she kept on telling me how awesome I was and am and I cannot help but believe her! She makes so much sense and now that I know that I plan to take advantage of this potential that has come! She also told me about how nobody needs to understand you as long as you understand you. Such a kill strike on my mind, absolutely fantastic!

I love this mood and this feeling! I just wish It wasn't so cold!

This line was so awesome that I just listened too : "DO your utmost to please me"

Pretty cool? I shouldn't take anything from anyone because people should be the ones amusing me and bending over backwards to get to me. I like this.
I wonder if I have to be merciless? I don't care! Ill be whatever the hell I want! Just not a jester to the merciless humors!!!

I really wonder what jail would be like?

Would you just wait out your sentence and then be so relieved to breathe fresh air again, but knowing that you will never be able to do what you wanted to do and will probably end up spending the rest of your life doing what you did to get into jail in the first place? That was just about the worst run on sentence written! How would you feel being in jail? I mean at least you would kind of have a purpose and have something to wait for. What are we waiting for? Death? That doesn't seem like a good enough reprieve. I guess jailers wait for death too, it just seems like they are also waiting for something bigger or better. I wonder how many have actually changed due to their sentence? This is what hits me at 1 a.m. which makes me wonder.

Any who, I just had a pleasant evening. although now I have a bunch of cleaning to do and get over with it would be nice if the boys would help, but lets be serious.... So a lot of junk to clean up and scrub.... I went troll hunting with my brother which turned out to be quite amusing (Troll is my brothers GF) So we drove around trying to find my little bro which was a bust so we came home and so did he an hour later :D

I love how certain things can hit you with such passionate emotions and others can have no effect whatsoever. The phrase: a smile settled upon their face makes me feel so passionate for this certain smile! I'm not sure I am fully understood when I speak of these things and probably frowned upon. I kinda wish I was a kid again so I could not understand such feelings and turn a blissful eye to these magnificent phrases. I really miss it.
I think my mind has gotten older and now is becoming gross and old. I think too much and I know it and I wish I could stop. I really would like too. I dream about the same thing every night and I cannot help to think about it even though I know I shouldn't be. Maybe tonight it will get better.

I found out the most ridiculous thing ever today! Really makes me regret certain things to a point were it should have never happened. There is always a point to everything supposedly, but I don't see the value in this one. So I'm thinking this retarded story time should happen again cause' this time I have cooled down and just started regretting! So For some odd reason everyone was hanging out in different places (more people were at Geoff's place for some ODD reason, I really don't get why people like him.) and apparently we couldn't conjoin things because this guy I know was getting on my friend... I don't get what the problem is? I'm not a fucking bitch and I can respect what they want to do with each other. Note I still use the word "Friend" Meaning I am willing to not think about this at all and neither care or want to know about it! Its just really crappy that we cannot be friends. The worst part about this whole getting on each other bit is that they did it the other night and one of them was supposed to come hang over here! Its just so horrible that this has to happen...


The hands are pretty much how I feel... feelings are weird!

My dreams are kinda like this song...
River of Dreams by Billy Joel:

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
From the mountains of faith
To the river so deep
I must be lookin' for something
Something sacred I lost
But the river is wide
And it's too hard to cross
even though I know the river is wide
I walk down every evening and stand on the shore
I try to cross to the opposite side
So I can finally find what I've been looking for
In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the valley of fear
To a river so deep
I've been searching for something
Taken out of my soul
Something I'd never lose
Something somebody stole
I don't know why I go walking at night
But now I'm tired and I don't want to walk anymore
I hope it doesn't take the rest of my life
Until I find what it is I've been looking for
(Two beat Pause)
In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the jungle of doubt
To the river so deep
I know I'm searching for something
Something so undefined
That it can only be seen
By the eyes of the blind
In the middle of the night (break)

I’m not sure about a life after this
God knows I've never been a spiritual man
Baptized by the fire, I wade into the river
That is runnin' to the promised land (Long Five beat Pause)

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the desert of truth
To the river so deep
We all end in the ocean
We all start in the streams
We're all carried along
By the river of dreams
In the middle of the night

double date wow..

Seriously? That's just a huge kick in the teeth.... Fuck. This is just plain pudding really. I mean I think I deserve at least a little bit of RESPECT. I don't think I have even paced so much in my life. I don' t think I have ever felt this betrayed. Fuck it, I'll hold my fucking head high and fuck it all to shit so fuck high school, fuck this social situation and fuck everything and FUCK everyone.

I though I was being nice and charming, but apparently not I deserve to hear about everything FUCKING thing you do and say! I don't think you could MOVE and I would hear about it in the fucking news paper. It's not even sadness I just hate how I never get any warning or anything that would make me the least bit happy? There is nothing awesome to do or anything I want to do with this. I should have fucked this feeling a long time ago. WHY do people make me do these things!? WHY do I always Have to DO EVERY FUCKING THING!???? Why can't people just do things by themselves, I know how to handle myself, so why push something like this?!

I don't think I can handle this...Kinda out of my league... well why so hostile? Why so unpleasant and displeased? I can hear the questions already... I can feel the heart crushing words coming from everyone's mouths and expecting me to say or so something that will please them. THEM. Why never me?! I don't think I was born to make myself happy, more to make other people happy. I wish one person was built to make me happy. Just one.

too bad all those years of picking up lucky coins was worthless and juvenile. Useless. fuck...

I'm already going crazy by staying in my dads house.

It is the worst place to be on weekends! It's really cool to have some time with my pop, but I felt like being completely selfish this weekend and not have to think about anything. I don't think I am ever allowed to have what I want, maybe I just have to fight a little bit harder than I do already. If that's even possible. Expect nothing, live frugally on surprise. -Alice Walker
I should expect nothing and savour the awesomeness.

I have been coughing throughout this whole weekend and am about ready to slice out my throat and eat it for dinner. Although that would be terrible and disgusting. Last night i rubbed some vics all over myself and still coughed until my lungs bled and throat was friend. I'm pretty sure my body is broken and will never be fixed. I was able to tear myself away from my warm bed this morning surprisingly enough and ended up standing completely still for 10 min making sure my lungs wouldn't heave up with the rest of my internal organs, I think this is a sign of a bad cough? A least I can speak, I'm pretty damn thankful for that!

So even though I am dying slowly I still have managed to have a dreadful thanksgiving. Its actually not even thanksgiving, Its the day before! and it was still awful! I'm quite surprised at how miserable I have been today. I think its because I have a tremendous urge to go outside and play with people. I think this is the worst weekend! DANG well I mean weekend as in the last day and a half. Tomorrow I have decided to flee this House and take a long trip to the mothzors for some skateboarding and clothing, maybe even some dymatapp!

Still dont have a halloween costume. Its making me really nervous!

OH by the way, Dracula was really amazing and I would recomend it to any horror or retro monstor lovers.

Either way I'm pretty much spend and ready to kill people!

Burn down buildings, eat the people inside

I just cleaned my room

It looks super fantastic and I like have no clutter! Its pretty nice.

The past couple of days I have been dying slowly due to a cough and sore throat. I actually lost my voice for 1 and a half days, it was really hard to speak with my people becuase I would have to write down everything that I was trying to say. Dang it must be hard to be mute/deaf. At least I have my voice back, but the wretched cough still is bugging me. Such a dry throat! I feel disgusting. tea is the only thing that is actually keeping me alive, I've basically been living off of it.

Anyways, so one thing has been bugging me today, well not the whole day just for the past 2 hours. I am a vegetarian and hate McDick's (but I've always hated McDonalds) So My buddies decided that we would go grocery shopping and then after make a stop at McD's and I thought that was sick and something better could happen instead of that (Since I really don't or ever eat anything there) so as we where approaching McD's I said "Guys, you know how much I hate this place?" and then my one friend said "Almost as much as I hate vegetarians...I really want to stick a tube of meat down all their throats!" Seriosuly, thats just mean. It made me so pissed off and when we left with a bag full of McD's he just decided to rub some rubbish in my face by bringing up the one person I really wish to not hear about (FROM him only though) and it was such a dick move I felt like jumping on his head and ripping out his skull along with his spine! Just like in mortal combat!

gah! Made me so angry!

So last night I decided I should try alcohol....Why not? you only live once? So I had one drink with my one friend and got totally messed up! Not drunk, just messed up because earlier I had some dymatap which was the worst idea ever. So I still need to try this out! Cause' I know now that I will never drink in a social situation or even at clubs (I think drinking is wrong still) But it was kinda fun, im not gonna lie!


Anwyays Today Is DRACULA DAY!!!!!

I still don't understand guys.

I hate putting myself in these retarded situations because I know whats going to happen (and usually everyone around me as well). Nobody says anything though. I wish I could help or something just anything! I really want to!

I spent my whole night pacing around my house on the telephone speaking of absolutely nothing and becoming worried for nothing. I keep on thinking I am inanimate and just drifting along thinking of myself and being completely selfish. It seems whatever happens and whatever I do I'll still think of myself which is causing a lot of trouble because I cannot do much good for anyone! I just want to ignore what everyone's saying to me, but I think its finally getting through. It's making me more upset then when I was not think about it. This sort of thing just makes me want to do something about it, I cannot just let it end like that! I know I should though, but I cannot control myself! What is so wrong here? Someone mentioned something to me that made me very angry and annoyed she said "What if he starts to date someone else in the next couple of weeks?" That thought hit me harder than a train full of cinder blocks. What if? I don't know, all i know is that I won't let that happen, I cant! I wish I could just be ignorant to all of these points. With the help of people I have forced myself into perpetual melancholy, but not on purpose! This situation should have just never have happened.


I think just about every night I have written something about myself and they are all of considerable length. It's weird and I don't know why I want to write so much! These are just things I guess I need to get out?

Either way it feels really good, especially since I am doing some laundry and have nothing better to do. This lemonade tastes like acid. I was listening to this song and its pretty much how I feel kinda I guess....I don't Know its weird (I feel Kinda weird, It creeps me out when I compare myself to songs, but you know what? Fuck it)

Here the Lyrics:

Oh my God! My God this can't be happening!
God tell me, tell me this isn't real!
I can't believe all that I have
foreseen is finally happening.
I cannot for a single second stand the way I feel.
I always knew. I always saw it coming.
Enveloped now, encased by my worst fear.
I've never felt the nausea of longing to feel nothing,
I never wanted to cease to
exist, just disappear. Fear memories are all that lie ahead.
Never have I felt so lost. Memories dull my senses.
Fear tragedy is all that lies ahead.
Never have I felt so dead.
Once felt so warm, now I'm fucking freezing.
I am the once embraced abandoned one.
I raised my eyes up to the light in hopes of finding healing;
no relief was mine, I was burnt, by the sun.

If You read through the whole thing I think you could get a little bit more about what I'm thinking about.

I don't know what to do at school tomorrow....

I think I have blogged more not that I ever had in the rest of my mortal life.

It's kinda of strange to come back to this plain white page and write down everything that is/was going on. I used to think this was kind of a journal thing that I would come back to someday and think about what I was thinking about when I was younger and how I was feeling. This is gonna happen in about 40-50 years and me, being an old cat lady, will sit there laughing while being groomed by my hundred and some odd cats. Quite the scene don't you think? Me and my cats sitting and laughing in an cynical, devastatingly sick way. Well seeing as cats cannot laugh it would only be me laughing, but I'm pretty sure my vocal chords could conjure enough noise for all of us.

I think that's enough about cats for the time being. Really they are quite amazing! If you don't have one you should try it out.

I love how if i left myself in front of the computer for so long I would have about 10 pages of how I am or weird little stories about my day. I figured I should skip all of that for now? Maybe ill come back later and write till my hands fall off and start playing the piano. Weird. I love retro music, its so peaceful and up-beat.

my cat is giving me this very concerned look. I'm not sure if its wanting food or actually concerned about me? I should be concerned about myself actually. This is the reason why I came to this place again. I fear I have no heart.

Really....I asked my friend today and he could not give me a strait answer. I think its true that I have no heart. Dang. Well I mean there is good reason to think this. I was going out with this dude that I liked for quite some time and then Just today we decided to call it quits. (I still really like him, but there's nothing I can do about it. Family problems) So I never really got upset or anything...I was more worried about how my friends would take it and hoping that I wouldn't get the "I'm so Sorry" Thing or the "So are you okay?" I swear I am okay, but I don't understand why.... This thought is really haunting me. My other friend who is in love with him thinks I am manically depressed about the whole situation and I am going through denial as he read of the rest of the "symptoms" I could not relate at all. I have no idea whats going down inside my brain, but I'm sure that its probably not a good thing. Well at least this guy and I can be friends?

Anyway, That's that!

So I found a Dracula buddy today. He said he would come over and watch it with me and then whip my brother into shape (this guy is my Brothers friend) he's super cool and junk though, very nice, but very odd....Anyways so now I am waiting for Thursday to watch it. I am SO excited for it! I've been waiting ever since I bought it!

Oh this Song is so awesome and is a really good listen, it is called Sweet Marie by The Anniversary. Here are the lyrics:


Sweet Marie, there's a hole where your heart should be
And on the hill she's begging for a harmony
Sweet Marie, there's a hole where your heart should be
And on the hill she's begging for a harmony

What beautiful lies you've been told
What terrible truths drown your soul
She hides behind all my lies

Oh you need to be loved
Oh you need to be loved
Oh you need all my love tonight - all my love

Sweet Marie, how cold your body can be
And on the hill she's begging for a harmony
Such a beautiful kiss in the face of fear
Such a beautiful song burns through your ears
She hides behind all my lies


Anyways I need some sleep before my eyes glaze over and fall out. My cat also wants to sleep so Ill do her a favour for once.

100th post....

I though this would be some weird monumental moment, but I don't feel any different.... I think its just because of the current situation I'm in....I think I should explain better to keep from further questioning. So I should tell of the whole day dating back to friday! Woot? Anyways I ask my male friend to call me up about hanging out this weekend (since I am the who ALWAYS has to call) So he said he would and pinky swore (really thats important). So I was expecting a call around 7ish, maybe a little bit later, but who would complain! So it ended up being 9pm so my friend decided we should do something, and that we did! Jammed out to some 80's tunes in really freaky costumes. Best thing ever! So we where minding our own buisness and then it started creeping up around 10pm so I got kinda worried that he wouldn't call so then my little bro rings me up and tells me I should wait until tomorrow to call (I also got the same advice from a BERRY good friend). I guess that wasn't good enough for some people? I got a call around 10:10 about how my other friend cannot even STAND me anymore becuase I decided i wouldn't call tonight, but tomorrow. Then I was held up practically "if you dont call....I WILL" and I cannot put this past him, I know he would call! So I decided to call and low and behold he answered the phone and soon after it "died" well I mean I got a hello and then maybe the signal failed or something so I called back and then It went strait to the message machine and then Another friend tried him and same thing happend. Well without the "hello"....So they figured they should ALL come over and keep me company? They were all really drunk (except for me and 2 other people) it was quite akward and weird cause I got molested practically and evil glared for about 2 hours...I really hate mixed emotions... So in their intoxicated state they decided to watch Cannibal Holocaust which is super pervy and weird. They were in the other room and I'm just chillin here and mulling out to some tunes.

I don't know why this always has to happen? Maybe I should toughen up and be more aggressive, I tend to be way to passive. AUGHH Its so angering! Why should people get mad at me for not doing something I plan on doing LATER!? why! Its not their relationship! You think when somebody says "I'll stay out of it and give advice" you think that means what it says! But no it has to be something more along the lines of "This is my relationship too! I need you to do this, this, and this!" WHY!

Im going to call him tomorrow still....I don't know why, but I am....

I think this whole thing is really overated. I have no clue why I would purposfully torture myself like this! This whole situation is driving me bonkers! I think Josh was completely right. Why is he always right? Maybe hes not? I don't know!

I think I don't know enough! This whole thing feels like a tug-a-war with me as the rope. Its fucked up. Quite painful too I might add!


Those faces are so awesome and make sense!

It finally has stopped vibrating.

Its funny how life works really. I mean when you don't want something to happen it usually harasses you until your just about fed up and then when you would KILL for something it has a way of prolonging the agony until further notice. It's quite sick really, I mean I'm sick of this! I think karma just feels like being cruel for a little while, so you know what? I'm gonna be cruel back!

Billy Joel is my hero. We should just be friends someday and he should let me in on his secrets. I think he would be so intense to talk to.

Homework has finally quite butt fucking me! Except Mr. Loose's class, he really wants to be tough on us, but I think its for no certain reason at all because he is going through tough parts in his life. I'm just happy my other classes are taking pity on me!

You know what song really is awesome and truthful? Vienna waits for you. Its so amazing when you can just mull out and listen. I'm pretty sure I have to take this advice? Maybe I should just for a little bit. Vacation is needed so badly. I wish Vienna would wait for me!

Anyways, I've been waiting for something all night long and I don't think there is a sign of anything happening. This is apparently why I need therapy! Oh wait, that was the sad thing. Either way is just completely juvenile.

Man I think my brain was totally scrambled and served as a main course. I'm not really sure what to do with myself now! Lost control of the handle bars and now I'm heading for a cliff.... Psh Lame. I think Karma should take it easy on me for a little while, I think I have been pretty good?

I have another side band project started.... Well I mean not side I think this is gonna be the cake taker! I'm quite happy about that! Maybe this is my treat? That would be kinda cool! well anyways I met this new girl at school who seems to be as much into music as I am! So it's really cool and junk, I really cannot wait to start making stuff up! Something to look forward too? I think I'm gonna be the drummer (which I like a lot :D)

Oh yah that Guy kinda rocks my world and Is about How I'm feeling about life hahah......

Either way,

KARMA be nice! or at least play fair....

Anthor somewhat acceptable day in Canada.

I still don't understand how people can handle this cold. It baffles me. Anyways taking the morning off of school was the best idea ever! Although my throat is hurting which is one of the worst signs EVER. So help me if I get sick....goodness i really don't want to be sick! School is important to me?
So partying at home is a really sick idea (yus pun) I might watch a movie or something, just destress from the whole "deadline" thing. When you think about that work is sounds horrible Dead: something is dying or being killed, Line: I dont know really just a line of something maybe even a telephone? Either way it sounds dreadful! People are dying over the telephone! What shall we ever do!?
I totally thought to much into that.... I just go unlimited texted on my mobile faggot and it hasn't stopped vibrating ever since! i dont know what to think of this. The Mobile phone company also was being a dick in saying that I have spent more than I paid for (which is a lie) So i'm about Ready to cut off their skin and wear it...ew. Either way....

haha I love reading over old posts and seeing the weirdness that is myself!

Its so odd looking back and seeing whats happened and how my craziness has just amplified! I cannot help it, I'm not the only one working against my sanity anymore! There are about three main things and one of them is school.
Either way its driving me completely bonkers! Well not literally, but i mean figuratively because I am not literally crazy....I'm mentally stable surprisingly.... I think this one guy just know how to push my buttons to the point of completely buggering the situation to no return! This pushing of the buttons is the worst ever. Driving me completely crazy! Its kinda like riding a skateboard and someone else is moving you and you cannot control it! I'm quite tired of it, but there is nothing I can do about it except do something I really don't want to, but I think will happen soon enough to tell you the truth. I am surprised how not chocked up about this I am. Well this just really sucks I need to de-stress....maybe Ill hang at my fathzors for a bit :D

I hate talking about this situation! ki-ki-ki-ki-ki-kirazzzy

People over complicate things.

This happens way to often, I can admit that there have been times when I have blown the truth out of proportion. Sitting down here after being put on the spot for not wanting to rip someone limb from limb because they spilled some horrible stuff, I realize that really whats the point? This is such a joke! Now I see were the world gets it from and why people are this way, they just need something to fight about! There is no such thing as successful relationships. People NEED to fight! This is so disgusting. I called whats his name immature because he wanted to punch my best friend in the face....Why would he not be immature? It wasn't even his problem!

I wish to ignore this pitiful attempt at attention. It seriously isn't about him, just making it so. Sooner or later these things would be let out, it really doesn't make sense why it should be sooner. People really WANT attention! I am guilty of it too! I think everyone is. We need to feel this sort of thing, this kind of pain and this kind of happiness. Pain is happiness.

Humans are ill advised things. Beings of pure lust! Lust for everything, everyone and nothing.

You want it, but you don't? What is it? I know that some people are rethinking their friendships at this time and possible thinking of an all out war! Why can't this just be a normal affair? This whole thing has been blown out of proportion! It is just too much. I don't want anything to do with it!

Whats wrong with saying hello? I don't know it could mean you are fraternising with the enemy! Is that a bad thing? No its not, and should never be the enemy is never the enemy just another person with different ideas of life! Why should we get leeched and twisted into some horrible machine of hate and loathing? Its just another way to look at it! So if we grow apart should we fist fight for friends? Should people even have to lose friends? Do you hate the person suddenly because they have become more pathetic than yourself? So they say a couple things that you don't agree with, deny it. Should you kill each other for it? No.

I don't want to get this if it will become something as confusing.

I've hurt too many people, this is my own opinion and I am so sorry to my friends, I should have never said or done what I have. I seriously have gotten fed up with these dreadful lies.

Sorry for people who read this and get pissed. Sorry, but this is just how I feel. I shouldn't feel the same things as you, i prefer it to tell the truth.

School is a lamer. Its so dreadful, but I do have a spare in the morning so I do get to sleep in.... Today I was late because I figured that Thursdays start the same as the others....was I sadly mistaken or what? I ended up beaning miserably late for school. Its all good now.\

A new human (or 2) are attending our school. I'll have to admit is is crazy exciting! Although I managed to scare the bejesus out of one of them....I just gave him a smile! I figured that was a really nice thing to do, but apparently not. His face went from zero to creeped out in less than a second. What did I do!!!! I haven't talked to Chad since or even looked at him. The other new person is really awesome though and will probably end up playing with us more often.

I tried out for Dracula. It had to be the worst audition ever, but it was super fun. Bri and I went up together because we figured it would be a great idea! Turns out it wasn't so hot.
We both clambered up the stage stairs and spoke into the blinding lights and began our audition, which started really nice, but then the lines started getting confusing and I started laughing therefore making my hair fall in my face THEREFORE making is impossible to read! It was fun, but incredibly painful.... like that back massage yesterday. Ouch.

Anyways Its awful being a senior...I feel old...and crazy.
Classic...batman!
I love that movie!

I'm off to scar new kids!

HMM nothing is going on!

Well everybody is back in town its good.
Planning stuff and yeah this summer is kinda bummy.

guitar is fun fun fun I was to get HI

With Josh, but I mean Music wise HAHAA

Man that last rant was quite some time ago. Maybe a new one is required haha.

no no, I'm not in the ranting mood. It's 2am I wish I could sleep, but life goes on and so does my irregular sleeping cycle.
Anyways boredom has come a knockin' on my door and has decided to stay for tea. Personally, I'm not much to entertain. I don't think I have much choice in the matter for this situation, it is grade 11 summer so everybody has decided to go on long excursions away from where I live therefore I'm left alone in a boring city with nobody to amuse me except fur in my own belly button (I mean that not literally, not a fungus.)

I made some white tea about a hour and half ago and it has been seeping ever since. I am kind of afraid of what it will taste like, but at the same time very curious. Its quite cold though so maybe I can become creative and make a lovely iced tea tomorrow with it.
I have a great operation going down tomorrow, well not hardcore or anything, but it will be quite super. I am building my own set of stilts! (of course so I can hurt myself more)
....Now I just need things to do for the next couple of weeks. I wish where I lived had a nice night scene with loads of dancing and such, I would be there of course! But to my regret, I am to young. I was invited today to go dancing when I am of age in Edmonton. I think that would be sweet.

I don't see why people intoxicate themselves? I really don't understand I mean all they do is make themselves seem more foolish then they regularly are... I know I never want to do anything like that ever. I remember when I wanted to do that, it really wasn't what I expected it to be like. I didn't even finish my drink the one night I went partying it was so revolting.

The weirdest dream happened the other night. Well, it was dreamed. I want to say it because it was so messed up! Anyways brace yourself.

Here goes nothing!

Well I was going around in space for some really weird reason and I ended up crashing on this very nice floating planet like glass thing? It was some sort of structure built by this person who lived in it 24/7 and was hardcore about plants and keeping everything clean. So somehow I ended up inside this glass orb (oh yeah there are 2 glass things, a rural one and a city like one.) Anyways I did not know that yet. So I was all crashed and sad because I couldn't get out. So then the person that made the planted came up to me and asked what the heck I was doing there. Oh yeah the person it thing...well i have no idea what it was but it had the hair of the lead singer of Tokyo hotel. I explained how I had no idea where we were and what was happening. Then the dream kicked it into to high gear. I lived on these planet things for a couple years and had a house and such it was nice, but I didn't remember the years that went by or how many for that matter. So humans started flocking to the planted and the it that owned it was no so pleased because as we know human develop stuff. So that's what was with the rural and city dwellings. Living there was a sweet deal it was so nice and the it thing and I became quite tight. I started seeing all my friends on this so called planetish thing and it was super cool. The world was starting to get gross and sick looking.
The it thing came to me one day (the day I remember) we ended up going to the city part for some clothing to wear for some fancy occasion, but I cannot remember what it was to save my life. So we were in the crowded shop searching for things and all of a sudden the Tokyo thing just snaps as everyone yelling: "You've been here for 7 years! What have you done to my home!? 7 YEARS! I've lived here for thousands!"
Everyone was kinda freaked out so I grabbed it and ran to hide in the nearest clothing rack and to my surprise Geoff was hiding there too. Right after we hide for 10 min the tokyo thing and I decided to get married? I don't know why but then we moved to earth and that thing floating thing exploded. Then my phone rang.

It was Geoff and he was asking about something...or taunting me? I don't remember. In a half haze I told him of my dream and he though I was crazy.
A couple days later he came over and explained back what I said to him that day and it was so messed up. I think I was because I had just woke up so I don't know what happened!
Apparently the thing was called Deka? It was the most confusing dream ever.

I really wish I could sleep.

Callie didn't sleep with me last night. Instead I had a huge orange fur ball curl up to me. it was quite unsettling to know Callie was in someone Else's bed. Shes back with me though. She's using her mind powers to call me to bed. Its not working.

Rollin' and hatin' happened.

I'm pretty sure conditions of this summer have not improved.
Although I do have less hours at the hell hole that is superstore, I really think I'm allergic to something in the store because I am always crying for the first hour or so of my shift.

I'm thinking slamming my head into a wall wont do me any good. Its such a boring lame summer. It is kinda like last years except this time I don't want anything! Its driving me completely bonkers. I'm thinking, If I quit my job and go underground for a couple weeks maybe then I will be better? I don't know. Damn.
I kinda don't care anymore. Theres nothing to care for, I cannot wait to get out of this place. It has become more of a cage than a home.

" I've been a lonely one I've had this whole world Drained from me"

Anyways. I think I've ranted enough for today.

Slowly going crazy hahaha....ehhh

Fuck life....Holy shit....

I think everything was good at the start of the summer, but it all got fucked up....REALLY
New job, sucks (for reasons I'm not even gonna get into)
AUGH okay I'm going crazy I think. I don't know what to do! Frick okay I guess I kinda do....I hope things can work themselves out before I explode...Holy I don't think I've ever been this fucked before Really! I cannot imagine a time...too much stress really I should distress myself?
Yeah thats what I'll do. I'm thinking I'm gonna quit my job because it sucks so bad and then I am just gonna let loose for the rest of the summer. Maybe get a job with one shift a week in a small little place where i don't have to care about anything. I'm gonna drink iced tea until I cannot stop peeing and I am going to watch every movie that I own. and rent some. And TALK to the whores at the corner store. Yes I like that idea better. Oh I'm also gonna go to as many shows as I can.
that sounds Like a way better summer instead of this messed up thing I have going right now..

I also think I might buy some things and start painting?
Maybe things will turn out alright?
I hope.....Sheesh.

Man its been awhile. Well about a month, but I get so busy sometimes...Which I don't like because being busy is quite lame.

I've been investigating some music lately, and I have quite enjoyed it!
Well I did this before. This is kinda the stuff I listened to and forgot the names of the songs and bands. It's really cool to hear this stuff again :D
Anyhow, I've also made some music myself (drumming and then making guitar riffs) I've only made one songish thing so far, so it's not like i've done anything profound! Ill try though?
So much homework this week/ last week....SO much photo to be done! Its driving me up the wall! But I should probably get used to this? I dont get this math unit either...its terrible, cause I cannot work ahead. AUGHh
I found the best music video/ song, just now actually...Its by the flaming lips- the yeah yeah yeah song....Look it up, you won't regret it. They are so old! But their music is sweeettt they are fantastic!
Best feature on people are their EYEBROWS! really....

The Disney movie is calling me

Well a lot hasn't happened since my last post.

Probably because I have been really sick. It was awful cause I lost my voice on the top of other things. Some peoples thought I was faking it, its not very nice, but I mean I guess I get sick alot. I think thats because I just turned veggie like a year ago so I'm still adjusting to right eating habits. I know now I will never EVER go back to meat, now that I even think of meat I get kinda sick. Its not worth it at all.
So I got to chillax at home all week. I did get very bored though, I hate staying for more than 2 days. After that its just annoying.

OOOH I did get to go outside for a bit on tuesday! To see Phantom of the Opera!
It was the single best experience of my life! (so far) It was phenomenal! Their voices were so strong and they hit the best notes! Oh my. I loved the explosions though, and the acting was so awesome!
My favorite song from the show I think was Phantom of the Opera...it was so great! "Sing for me, my Angel of Music!" The words were so powerful and fantastic. Those 4 notes that the organ plays during the singing is pure genius! I really want to go back and see the show again! I also got to get all dressed up for the occasion and we all went out for dinner.

Today had to be one of the most rushed days ever, although it was worth it. I had a math test which was kinda hard but there was math on the backside of the scrap paper..so me being kinda not there ended up doing the backside of it (which was math we didn't know/learn)
And then the portfolio was due, although that wasn't so bad.
In the end, I got taken out for a movie (Made Of Honor) which turned out to be quite splendid!
I enjoyed it very much, my friend explained it as "The most romantic comedy romantic comedy!"

Anyways, here is my favorite song (I think) either way its neat! Enjoy!

Okay So the project worked out, and fairly well to!

It looked very nice, it was a silent film...almost well there was no speaking, but there was some rad music. Maybe I can post it up here soon so can watch!
I really want to record some music right now, but my partner in crime is or has been really busy this weekend...well just today which is a day my mother is working. It sucks quite badly. I made a really nice and somewhat complicated song for H.I. so I really want to perform it!
Also battle of the bands is coming up at our school so I want to enter us into it, but I don't think Josh is really up for that because he has a really weird case of stage fright. I think I should write some lyrics for the song I created. I also made a beat (or two) for it. I also was supposed to join up with this serious band, but I would sing for them. I really want to do it, but they live in Biggar so its quite far and I don't have a car and biking is not an option. ALSO I actually have to practice singing which I do as often as possible and sometimes record, but I need to get better...? Maybe I should give them one of my recordings and such and let them have fun with it? I don't know . maybe they already found someone to sing for them? I'm not even sure if I want to ask? AH this shouln't be so complicated!

I found an awesome stage name. Nyx....it means this:

The meaning of the name Nyx is Night

The origin of the name Nyx is Greek

Info on this name: In mythology, Nyx is the daughter of Chaos and a primordial Goddess of the Night.

This is probably why I like it too.

I Like looking at new names! they are kinda neat.

Yah, I really fail at this. at least I do it periodically? Right?

It should be good. I've decided that I'm only allowed one bad pun a day. I used mine already, it wasn't very good though. I am going to a Zombeh flick tonight at midnight, its gonna be supah rad! I really cannot wait for this! Its supposed to be really good! A zombie fights a shark, c'mon thats just way to cool! I've been to the other two that played there (Flesh of Frankenstein and Thunderbirds) They were really good, although creepy. Tomorrow morning i do not work so I don't have to worry about waking up. I can stay up late and party, any who I've got some intense sight-seeing to do!
I took bilimbo out for her first run today. She was beautiful. I should take a picture of her and upload it. The dollar store is a beautiful thing, really, I bought all this awesome junk for $16! If you ever want to go out for a party in the night, stop by the buck-or-two first, i promise it will be great.
I have been drumming up a store these past couple of days, although I do miss my guitar. I should really take her out for a spin. She deserves it. But anyways, drumming is hardcore fun, or if your mad at something/ someone its a great stress reliever.
Right now I'm looking at a can of pineapples, i don't know why its some amazing. The French says "Ananas". I love it. Its actually quite an attractive container, i mean for pineapples. I prefer the juice over the actual pineapples, but i have to eat them because we have nothing fruit relatied thats not canned to munch on. I guess its enjoyable? At least the juice. Yum.
Oh yeah, School. Drama is the worst class...or at least I have the worst Luck in that class. WE started as a group of 4...then 3....and now 2...Should I be worried? How can 2 people of the same group drop out? What kind of luck is that? Its bad luck haha... oops is that a pun? Wait no. Good.

Anyways I want drums now. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to play them.
I hate spelling. There was so much red microsoft doesn't know what its talking about! Psh.

Party Till' you get indigestion!

Man I'm seriously beginning to think I'm the worst updater ever...but whateverrr :D
Nothing really super rad has happened. Although I go t a Jesus fish and it gave me RANK awesome luck! This was Jesus fish day:
1. NO first Period class
2. Time to Study for math
3. Found $5 in the trash bin
4. got 81% on math test
5. Went home early cause it was a photo day
6. Bought a slurpee
It was awesome...really...
I dyed my brothers friends hair....its really sick looking because the color is really bad and such. I cant explain it. I feel terrible about it though.
Kicked some ass in starcraft, my brother and I wasted Alex's friend. Awesommmme!
Anyways The H.I. Website Is up and music is on there :D quite awesome if I do say so myself! you shouold check It out. Heres the link:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=256260921

Wooot?

Lobe the kitty


I'm Just gonna Add to this Blog my REALLY messed up last 2 dreams.
Okay The date is August 13 2008 SO YEAHH
I think Someday I'm gonna read through all this crap and It will be INSANE! but anyways on with the dreams.
Im gonna say the One from last Night first so here goes nothing?

So my and my brother were out and about on some city street I don't know where really, but it was in a downtown area. We were both excruciatingly hungry so we looked around for a place to much just really quick.
This is where is gets fucked up. I saw a bus with AFI's faces on it so I immediately told Alex that we have to go there! So we did. Walking up to the street corner cafe thing it was practaicaly just a bus there, but the line was huge! I didn't know what to think and why their faces were up there? So we waited partly in line, but not for very long becuase I got quite aggrivated by waiting. So walking up to the front of the little bus figuring that there where probably just some greasy teens running the place so I walked to the window only to find Davey Havok starring back at me! it was so messed up and I didn't know what to say! I looked deeper into the Bus and saw the rest of the crew cooking up some delicous smelling food. It was really super! I also ended up getting in to a HUGE conversation with davey about life and such it was hardcore to say the least and we held up the line for 2 hours before he invited me in for some tea and such (by this point alex was gone because he had gotten bored) So I obviously accepted. Then suddenly inside of this little cafe seemed so much bigger! It was huge and there was this lovely little place were he and I talked for the rest of the night before getting an annoying phonecall from people and ruining it. So we had to sperate, but right towards the end he told me that he would call the next day for sure! But before he did he wanted me to look at something on the internet...Which I didn't understand So I gave him my number and I only go halfway through his instructions before I was so rudly woken up!
He told me to go too Google.com and then seach this really weird thing it started like www.ru.cre and that was all because I couldn't get the rest!
That really made me mad, but It had to be the most relaxing dream I have EVER had! It was so fantastic!

Okay now Onto my next dream, the one I had 2-3 days ago

So it started off with me and Josh walking around on clarence avenue. OKAY wait backstory Josh and I have known each other for more than 10 years and there is no sexual tension or anything! We know each other too well to do anything like that. ANwyays We where walking down he street I was drapped over his back because I was So exhausted for god only knows! So I was laying on his back and It was super comfy and we were talking about life and such it was nice :D But then Josh said "Leïla, I have to tell you something important." me thinking it was nothing responded with a "yes of course just tell me already!"
he said "I'm going to be leaving away from here."
So I suddenly let go of his back and turned him around being quite astonished asking him so mnay questions he could barely answer in time! And then out of nowhere he grabbed me and kissed me! it was so messed up! I didn't know what to say and was very confused about life. Because he's my best friend and he was leaving! Why would he do this to me at the most inoppurtune time! I felt the weight of the world on me I couldn't stand to look at his face! we ended up going to the store, I was practically in tears because of him, but he didn't notice at all. Then we went to my hosue and he tried to tell my mom that we where datng all of a sudden!? I was rightfully pissed off so I left and then I was woken up!

those are the MOST fucked up dreams ever!

Lets get drunk and have a parade
because kids are smoking hand grenades
Hey Hey!
its a wonderful day!
To Stare at the Stars while lighting Cigars
Hey hey!
Lets All be gay!

You know what I dont know.
HI hasn't really gotten anything awesome done lately. Nothing to note at least. I think I got everything that we have dont lately In the last blogs.
I got rock band. Seriously, so much fun.
I cannot wait to play it again. Really excited! Pfft i'm not sure If I can way haha


P.S. LOBE da pikachu

IM jealous Of your cigarette..

And all the things you do with it!

haha anyhow, I'm trying to find a program were i can make electroid music! cause i have some stuff in my mind but i cant put anything down because I dont have to things to do it with!

AUGH!

pshh...dancing through sunday solo is very tedious to learn...I wish someone would give me the tab

asianiesss..?

They are Like brownies with only a little bit of cocoa hahah...they tasted really good! but my fat little fuck for a brother ate my asianies....AUGH HES SO FAT! WHAT THE HELL! why does he eat so Much! I mean I don't think People like him should live....they are disgusting....there was a whole pan too...

Anyhow...FINALS are coming up so Yeah! I'm excited...i get to leave this damn semester behind! WOOT hahah It will be great!

Harry Potter marathon! This next next Saturday! I'm kinda excited and we will party till later in the night and now people are gonna sleep over and stuff

HAPPY NEW YEARRRR!

yay! finally the old disgusting year Is done and a newer bright one has come :) Hahah well yeah its gonna be great! Any Resolutions?
Anyhow school starts tomorrow and I want to tear some heads off...hhaha yeah I dont like school so Much...And I didn't do much of my homework, I really should have.
My Camera also broke so I got to turn It in for a new one :D Which kinda rocks hardcore! And I bought an entire outfit for $19.51! I got a shirt, pants, and a scarf! its really awesome.
Anyhow the New years party was awesome, my brother and I went halfzies and stuff with people...it was FUn and all but this guy came and threw up in our crock pot :( Aughhh....


OH yeah Hers me and my kitties!
and My FANTASTIC veggie sandwich!