I don't mean to be sleazy... Me and you can't be easy

Hah the Fratellis are awesome and win everywhere! nobody is at my house and it feels so super and cool. I got my chance to sing aloud and bang on the drums (all day) Had too.....
So I think I am improving on the drums because it doesn't sound as clumsy anymore and I can move much faster! I also think I might have a bass played so all is well and good and I am very excited to play some music!

I hope you know the song Louie Louie by the Kinks, I totally forgot about it! Or even LOLA!
The words for Lola are flipping hilarious! I'm pretty sure Lola is a transvestite which is quite hilarious!
Just that end PART IS FABULOUS!

I have to go and usher and take the group shot for the play Dracula which I am very excited to see again! I cannot wait, but I do not know who is coming with me.

I got to talk to my one friend today, but it was very horrible I couldn't handle it. I just started rushing my speak and when he came up behind her and gave her a hug I almost punched him right in the teeth. I held it in though by talking even faster and offering a booster juice. I really don't think I can handle this! I really wish I could though...Maybe pacing will work....Dracula will take my mind off these things. WHY ARE they all Friends!? who decided that we can not be friends anymore and that they would be best friends??? this is even hurting my other friend who FOUND her in the first place and invited her places... gosh I feel really bad for her...this whole situation is just garbage. I was also used which sucks dick the most and my other friend told me the whole story yesterday and it was terribly depressing (None of this would have happened if people would just TELL me things....)

Its so cold in my house and I cannot sleep

I think I'm doomed to end up on here every night for the rest of this week. It will be very eventful and something for people not to miss! I feel like I am crazy for liking this a little bit, okay maybe a lot. Just tasting the sweet, sweet freedom will be the best day of my life, returning all of the junk that's left at my house! Such a silly girl, I enjoy myself so much! Just taking some time for myself it was the best day of my life. Well maybe not of my life, but pretty close. I feel so liberated! I cannot stop smiling!

I went out with my mother and she kept on telling me how awesome I was and am and I cannot help but believe her! She makes so much sense and now that I know that I plan to take advantage of this potential that has come! She also told me about how nobody needs to understand you as long as you understand you. Such a kill strike on my mind, absolutely fantastic!

I love this mood and this feeling! I just wish It wasn't so cold!

This line was so awesome that I just listened too : "DO your utmost to please me"

Pretty cool? I shouldn't take anything from anyone because people should be the ones amusing me and bending over backwards to get to me. I like this.
I wonder if I have to be merciless? I don't care! Ill be whatever the hell I want! Just not a jester to the merciless humors!!!

I really wonder what jail would be like?

Would you just wait out your sentence and then be so relieved to breathe fresh air again, but knowing that you will never be able to do what you wanted to do and will probably end up spending the rest of your life doing what you did to get into jail in the first place? That was just about the worst run on sentence written! How would you feel being in jail? I mean at least you would kind of have a purpose and have something to wait for. What are we waiting for? Death? That doesn't seem like a good enough reprieve. I guess jailers wait for death too, it just seems like they are also waiting for something bigger or better. I wonder how many have actually changed due to their sentence? This is what hits me at 1 a.m. which makes me wonder.

Any who, I just had a pleasant evening. although now I have a bunch of cleaning to do and get over with it would be nice if the boys would help, but lets be serious.... So a lot of junk to clean up and scrub.... I went troll hunting with my brother which turned out to be quite amusing (Troll is my brothers GF) So we drove around trying to find my little bro which was a bust so we came home and so did he an hour later :D

I love how certain things can hit you with such passionate emotions and others can have no effect whatsoever. The phrase: a smile settled upon their face makes me feel so passionate for this certain smile! I'm not sure I am fully understood when I speak of these things and probably frowned upon. I kinda wish I was a kid again so I could not understand such feelings and turn a blissful eye to these magnificent phrases. I really miss it.
I think my mind has gotten older and now is becoming gross and old. I think too much and I know it and I wish I could stop. I really would like too. I dream about the same thing every night and I cannot help to think about it even though I know I shouldn't be. Maybe tonight it will get better.

I found out the most ridiculous thing ever today! Really makes me regret certain things to a point were it should have never happened. There is always a point to everything supposedly, but I don't see the value in this one. So I'm thinking this retarded story time should happen again cause' this time I have cooled down and just started regretting! So For some odd reason everyone was hanging out in different places (more people were at Geoff's place for some ODD reason, I really don't get why people like him.) and apparently we couldn't conjoin things because this guy I know was getting on my friend... I don't get what the problem is? I'm not a fucking bitch and I can respect what they want to do with each other. Note I still use the word "Friend" Meaning I am willing to not think about this at all and neither care or want to know about it! Its just really crappy that we cannot be friends. The worst part about this whole getting on each other bit is that they did it the other night and one of them was supposed to come hang over here! Its just so horrible that this has to happen...


The hands are pretty much how I feel... feelings are weird!

My dreams are kinda like this song...
River of Dreams by Billy Joel:

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
From the mountains of faith
To the river so deep
I must be lookin' for something
Something sacred I lost
But the river is wide
And it's too hard to cross
even though I know the river is wide
I walk down every evening and stand on the shore
I try to cross to the opposite side
So I can finally find what I've been looking for
In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the valley of fear
To a river so deep
I've been searching for something
Taken out of my soul
Something I'd never lose
Something somebody stole
I don't know why I go walking at night
But now I'm tired and I don't want to walk anymore
I hope it doesn't take the rest of my life
Until I find what it is I've been looking for
(Two beat Pause)
In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the jungle of doubt
To the river so deep
I know I'm searching for something
Something so undefined
That it can only be seen
By the eyes of the blind
In the middle of the night (break)

I’m not sure about a life after this
God knows I've never been a spiritual man
Baptized by the fire, I wade into the river
That is runnin' to the promised land (Long Five beat Pause)

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the desert of truth
To the river so deep
We all end in the ocean
We all start in the streams
We're all carried along
By the river of dreams
In the middle of the night

double date wow..

Seriously? That's just a huge kick in the teeth.... Fuck. This is just plain pudding really. I mean I think I deserve at least a little bit of RESPECT. I don't think I have even paced so much in my life. I don' t think I have ever felt this betrayed. Fuck it, I'll hold my fucking head high and fuck it all to shit so fuck high school, fuck this social situation and fuck everything and FUCK everyone.

I though I was being nice and charming, but apparently not I deserve to hear about everything FUCKING thing you do and say! I don't think you could MOVE and I would hear about it in the fucking news paper. It's not even sadness I just hate how I never get any warning or anything that would make me the least bit happy? There is nothing awesome to do or anything I want to do with this. I should have fucked this feeling a long time ago. WHY do people make me do these things!? WHY do I always Have to DO EVERY FUCKING THING!???? Why can't people just do things by themselves, I know how to handle myself, so why push something like this?!

I don't think I can handle this...Kinda out of my league... well why so hostile? Why so unpleasant and displeased? I can hear the questions already... I can feel the heart crushing words coming from everyone's mouths and expecting me to say or so something that will please them. THEM. Why never me?! I don't think I was born to make myself happy, more to make other people happy. I wish one person was built to make me happy. Just one.

too bad all those years of picking up lucky coins was worthless and juvenile. Useless. fuck...

I'm already going crazy by staying in my dads house.

It is the worst place to be on weekends! It's really cool to have some time with my pop, but I felt like being completely selfish this weekend and not have to think about anything. I don't think I am ever allowed to have what I want, maybe I just have to fight a little bit harder than I do already. If that's even possible. Expect nothing, live frugally on surprise. -Alice Walker
I should expect nothing and savour the awesomeness.

I have been coughing throughout this whole weekend and am about ready to slice out my throat and eat it for dinner. Although that would be terrible and disgusting. Last night i rubbed some vics all over myself and still coughed until my lungs bled and throat was friend. I'm pretty sure my body is broken and will never be fixed. I was able to tear myself away from my warm bed this morning surprisingly enough and ended up standing completely still for 10 min making sure my lungs wouldn't heave up with the rest of my internal organs, I think this is a sign of a bad cough? A least I can speak, I'm pretty damn thankful for that!

So even though I am dying slowly I still have managed to have a dreadful thanksgiving. Its actually not even thanksgiving, Its the day before! and it was still awful! I'm quite surprised at how miserable I have been today. I think its because I have a tremendous urge to go outside and play with people. I think this is the worst weekend! DANG well I mean weekend as in the last day and a half. Tomorrow I have decided to flee this House and take a long trip to the mothzors for some skateboarding and clothing, maybe even some dymatapp!

Still dont have a halloween costume. Its making me really nervous!

OH by the way, Dracula was really amazing and I would recomend it to any horror or retro monstor lovers.

Either way I'm pretty much spend and ready to kill people!

Burn down buildings, eat the people inside

I just cleaned my room

It looks super fantastic and I like have no clutter! Its pretty nice.

The past couple of days I have been dying slowly due to a cough and sore throat. I actually lost my voice for 1 and a half days, it was really hard to speak with my people becuase I would have to write down everything that I was trying to say. Dang it must be hard to be mute/deaf. At least I have my voice back, but the wretched cough still is bugging me. Such a dry throat! I feel disgusting. tea is the only thing that is actually keeping me alive, I've basically been living off of it.

Anyways, so one thing has been bugging me today, well not the whole day just for the past 2 hours. I am a vegetarian and hate McDick's (but I've always hated McDonalds) So My buddies decided that we would go grocery shopping and then after make a stop at McD's and I thought that was sick and something better could happen instead of that (Since I really don't or ever eat anything there) so as we where approaching McD's I said "Guys, you know how much I hate this place?" and then my one friend said "Almost as much as I hate vegetarians...I really want to stick a tube of meat down all their throats!" Seriosuly, thats just mean. It made me so pissed off and when we left with a bag full of McD's he just decided to rub some rubbish in my face by bringing up the one person I really wish to not hear about (FROM him only though) and it was such a dick move I felt like jumping on his head and ripping out his skull along with his spine! Just like in mortal combat!

gah! Made me so angry!

So last night I decided I should try alcohol....Why not? you only live once? So I had one drink with my one friend and got totally messed up! Not drunk, just messed up because earlier I had some dymatap which was the worst idea ever. So I still need to try this out! Cause' I know now that I will never drink in a social situation or even at clubs (I think drinking is wrong still) But it was kinda fun, im not gonna lie!


Anwyays Today Is DRACULA DAY!!!!!

I still don't understand guys.

I hate putting myself in these retarded situations because I know whats going to happen (and usually everyone around me as well). Nobody says anything though. I wish I could help or something just anything! I really want to!

I spent my whole night pacing around my house on the telephone speaking of absolutely nothing and becoming worried for nothing. I keep on thinking I am inanimate and just drifting along thinking of myself and being completely selfish. It seems whatever happens and whatever I do I'll still think of myself which is causing a lot of trouble because I cannot do much good for anyone! I just want to ignore what everyone's saying to me, but I think its finally getting through. It's making me more upset then when I was not think about it. This sort of thing just makes me want to do something about it, I cannot just let it end like that! I know I should though, but I cannot control myself! What is so wrong here? Someone mentioned something to me that made me very angry and annoyed she said "What if he starts to date someone else in the next couple of weeks?" That thought hit me harder than a train full of cinder blocks. What if? I don't know, all i know is that I won't let that happen, I cant! I wish I could just be ignorant to all of these points. With the help of people I have forced myself into perpetual melancholy, but not on purpose! This situation should have just never have happened.


I think just about every night I have written something about myself and they are all of considerable length. It's weird and I don't know why I want to write so much! These are just things I guess I need to get out?

Either way it feels really good, especially since I am doing some laundry and have nothing better to do. This lemonade tastes like acid. I was listening to this song and its pretty much how I feel kinda I guess....I don't Know its weird (I feel Kinda weird, It creeps me out when I compare myself to songs, but you know what? Fuck it)

Here the Lyrics:

Oh my God! My God this can't be happening!
God tell me, tell me this isn't real!
I can't believe all that I have
foreseen is finally happening.
I cannot for a single second stand the way I feel.
I always knew. I always saw it coming.
Enveloped now, encased by my worst fear.
I've never felt the nausea of longing to feel nothing,
I never wanted to cease to
exist, just disappear. Fear memories are all that lie ahead.
Never have I felt so lost. Memories dull my senses.
Fear tragedy is all that lies ahead.
Never have I felt so dead.
Once felt so warm, now I'm fucking freezing.
I am the once embraced abandoned one.
I raised my eyes up to the light in hopes of finding healing;
no relief was mine, I was burnt, by the sun.

If You read through the whole thing I think you could get a little bit more about what I'm thinking about.

I don't know what to do at school tomorrow....

I think I have blogged more not that I ever had in the rest of my mortal life.

It's kinda of strange to come back to this plain white page and write down everything that is/was going on. I used to think this was kind of a journal thing that I would come back to someday and think about what I was thinking about when I was younger and how I was feeling. This is gonna happen in about 40-50 years and me, being an old cat lady, will sit there laughing while being groomed by my hundred and some odd cats. Quite the scene don't you think? Me and my cats sitting and laughing in an cynical, devastatingly sick way. Well seeing as cats cannot laugh it would only be me laughing, but I'm pretty sure my vocal chords could conjure enough noise for all of us.

I think that's enough about cats for the time being. Really they are quite amazing! If you don't have one you should try it out.

I love how if i left myself in front of the computer for so long I would have about 10 pages of how I am or weird little stories about my day. I figured I should skip all of that for now? Maybe ill come back later and write till my hands fall off and start playing the piano. Weird. I love retro music, its so peaceful and up-beat.

my cat is giving me this very concerned look. I'm not sure if its wanting food or actually concerned about me? I should be concerned about myself actually. This is the reason why I came to this place again. I fear I have no heart.

Really....I asked my friend today and he could not give me a strait answer. I think its true that I have no heart. Dang. Well I mean there is good reason to think this. I was going out with this dude that I liked for quite some time and then Just today we decided to call it quits. (I still really like him, but there's nothing I can do about it. Family problems) So I never really got upset or anything...I was more worried about how my friends would take it and hoping that I wouldn't get the "I'm so Sorry" Thing or the "So are you okay?" I swear I am okay, but I don't understand why.... This thought is really haunting me. My other friend who is in love with him thinks I am manically depressed about the whole situation and I am going through denial as he read of the rest of the "symptoms" I could not relate at all. I have no idea whats going down inside my brain, but I'm sure that its probably not a good thing. Well at least this guy and I can be friends?

Anyway, That's that!

So I found a Dracula buddy today. He said he would come over and watch it with me and then whip my brother into shape (this guy is my Brothers friend) he's super cool and junk though, very nice, but very odd....Anyways so now I am waiting for Thursday to watch it. I am SO excited for it! I've been waiting ever since I bought it!

Oh this Song is so awesome and is a really good listen, it is called Sweet Marie by The Anniversary. Here are the lyrics:


Sweet Marie, there's a hole where your heart should be
And on the hill she's begging for a harmony
Sweet Marie, there's a hole where your heart should be
And on the hill she's begging for a harmony

What beautiful lies you've been told
What terrible truths drown your soul
She hides behind all my lies

Oh you need to be loved
Oh you need to be loved
Oh you need all my love tonight - all my love

Sweet Marie, how cold your body can be
And on the hill she's begging for a harmony
Such a beautiful kiss in the face of fear
Such a beautiful song burns through your ears
She hides behind all my lies


Anyways I need some sleep before my eyes glaze over and fall out. My cat also wants to sleep so Ill do her a favour for once.

100th post....

I though this would be some weird monumental moment, but I don't feel any different.... I think its just because of the current situation I'm in....I think I should explain better to keep from further questioning. So I should tell of the whole day dating back to friday! Woot? Anyways I ask my male friend to call me up about hanging out this weekend (since I am the who ALWAYS has to call) So he said he would and pinky swore (really thats important). So I was expecting a call around 7ish, maybe a little bit later, but who would complain! So it ended up being 9pm so my friend decided we should do something, and that we did! Jammed out to some 80's tunes in really freaky costumes. Best thing ever! So we where minding our own buisness and then it started creeping up around 10pm so I got kinda worried that he wouldn't call so then my little bro rings me up and tells me I should wait until tomorrow to call (I also got the same advice from a BERRY good friend). I guess that wasn't good enough for some people? I got a call around 10:10 about how my other friend cannot even STAND me anymore becuase I decided i wouldn't call tonight, but tomorrow. Then I was held up practically "if you dont call....I WILL" and I cannot put this past him, I know he would call! So I decided to call and low and behold he answered the phone and soon after it "died" well I mean I got a hello and then maybe the signal failed or something so I called back and then It went strait to the message machine and then Another friend tried him and same thing happend. Well without the "hello"....So they figured they should ALL come over and keep me company? They were all really drunk (except for me and 2 other people) it was quite akward and weird cause I got molested practically and evil glared for about 2 hours...I really hate mixed emotions... So in their intoxicated state they decided to watch Cannibal Holocaust which is super pervy and weird. They were in the other room and I'm just chillin here and mulling out to some tunes.

I don't know why this always has to happen? Maybe I should toughen up and be more aggressive, I tend to be way to passive. AUGHH Its so angering! Why should people get mad at me for not doing something I plan on doing LATER!? why! Its not their relationship! You think when somebody says "I'll stay out of it and give advice" you think that means what it says! But no it has to be something more along the lines of "This is my relationship too! I need you to do this, this, and this!" WHY!

Im going to call him tomorrow still....I don't know why, but I am....

I think this whole thing is really overated. I have no clue why I would purposfully torture myself like this! This whole situation is driving me bonkers! I think Josh was completely right. Why is he always right? Maybe hes not? I don't know!

I think I don't know enough! This whole thing feels like a tug-a-war with me as the rope. Its fucked up. Quite painful too I might add!


Those faces are so awesome and make sense!

It finally has stopped vibrating.

Its funny how life works really. I mean when you don't want something to happen it usually harasses you until your just about fed up and then when you would KILL for something it has a way of prolonging the agony until further notice. It's quite sick really, I mean I'm sick of this! I think karma just feels like being cruel for a little while, so you know what? I'm gonna be cruel back!

Billy Joel is my hero. We should just be friends someday and he should let me in on his secrets. I think he would be so intense to talk to.

Homework has finally quite butt fucking me! Except Mr. Loose's class, he really wants to be tough on us, but I think its for no certain reason at all because he is going through tough parts in his life. I'm just happy my other classes are taking pity on me!

You know what song really is awesome and truthful? Vienna waits for you. Its so amazing when you can just mull out and listen. I'm pretty sure I have to take this advice? Maybe I should just for a little bit. Vacation is needed so badly. I wish Vienna would wait for me!

Anyways, I've been waiting for something all night long and I don't think there is a sign of anything happening. This is apparently why I need therapy! Oh wait, that was the sad thing. Either way is just completely juvenile.

Man I think my brain was totally scrambled and served as a main course. I'm not really sure what to do with myself now! Lost control of the handle bars and now I'm heading for a cliff.... Psh Lame. I think Karma should take it easy on me for a little while, I think I have been pretty good?

I have another side band project started.... Well I mean not side I think this is gonna be the cake taker! I'm quite happy about that! Maybe this is my treat? That would be kinda cool! well anyways I met this new girl at school who seems to be as much into music as I am! So it's really cool and junk, I really cannot wait to start making stuff up! Something to look forward too? I think I'm gonna be the drummer (which I like a lot :D)

Oh yah that Guy kinda rocks my world and Is about How I'm feeling about life hahah......

Either way,

KARMA be nice! or at least play fair....