I still don't understand guys.

I hate putting myself in these retarded situations because I know whats going to happen (and usually everyone around me as well). Nobody says anything though. I wish I could help or something just anything! I really want to!

I spent my whole night pacing around my house on the telephone speaking of absolutely nothing and becoming worried for nothing. I keep on thinking I am inanimate and just drifting along thinking of myself and being completely selfish. It seems whatever happens and whatever I do I'll still think of myself which is causing a lot of trouble because I cannot do much good for anyone! I just want to ignore what everyone's saying to me, but I think its finally getting through. It's making me more upset then when I was not think about it. This sort of thing just makes me want to do something about it, I cannot just let it end like that! I know I should though, but I cannot control myself! What is so wrong here? Someone mentioned something to me that made me very angry and annoyed she said "What if he starts to date someone else in the next couple of weeks?" That thought hit me harder than a train full of cinder blocks. What if? I don't know, all i know is that I won't let that happen, I cant! I wish I could just be ignorant to all of these points. With the help of people I have forced myself into perpetual melancholy, but not on purpose! This situation should have just never have happened.


I think just about every night I have written something about myself and they are all of considerable length. It's weird and I don't know why I want to write so much! These are just things I guess I need to get out?

Either way it feels really good, especially since I am doing some laundry and have nothing better to do. This lemonade tastes like acid. I was listening to this song and its pretty much how I feel kinda I guess....I don't Know its weird (I feel Kinda weird, It creeps me out when I compare myself to songs, but you know what? Fuck it)

Here the Lyrics:

Oh my God! My God this can't be happening!
God tell me, tell me this isn't real!
I can't believe all that I have
foreseen is finally happening.
I cannot for a single second stand the way I feel.
I always knew. I always saw it coming.
Enveloped now, encased by my worst fear.
I've never felt the nausea of longing to feel nothing,
I never wanted to cease to
exist, just disappear. Fear memories are all that lie ahead.
Never have I felt so lost. Memories dull my senses.
Fear tragedy is all that lies ahead.
Never have I felt so dead.
Once felt so warm, now I'm fucking freezing.
I am the once embraced abandoned one.
I raised my eyes up to the light in hopes of finding healing;
no relief was mine, I was burnt, by the sun.

If You read through the whole thing I think you could get a little bit more about what I'm thinking about.

I don't know what to do at school tomorrow....